Depth of my feelings

Sometimes things that are so close are just so far away. It hurts so much. It burns in a bundle of cold writhing memories. Tearing inch by inch into nothingness until you’re just left too beyond.
Caressing a soft black flow that scars way past just ever so subtly
Baring, in layers. Sweetened thoughts. Sorely spoken since.
I was crying, ever so gently from oblivion. The red sweet feeling of the sour sobriety hit me ever so gently as I touched her lips. She held me with the dull sensation of forever belonging. I cried. I cried. As I caressed her dry.
I’ve always wondered, with my hands around her face. Ever so solemn the feelings that race.

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Being Highly Sober

I can hear them as I walk through the well lit rooms and feel as if they are flashing before me whenever and wherever I start feeling weirdly high. Enemies to my consciousness and bitter reminders that the world is just too big, having things which will take many light years to understand.

Well until we know, we never understand what they wish to accomplish. They come quite randomly, make you feel like you’re going to trip. They make others perceive you to be high while make you confused as to whether you are or not because all you had was water and sleep. They make you suddenly find emotions you had, think of killing the person right next to you or kiss the girl you thought to be the last one you’d even think of hugging. I am telling you, the feeling is damn strange. They are seizures that transcend the symptoms that the normal patients suffering from epilepsy feel. I’m talking about the mental dis-balance an overly psychological person would feel. However a purely normal person is feeling it and a reasonably confused person is writing about it.

I can sense the wind talking to me at times. It suddenly tells me to try to command it. It’s like you’re taking a walk at 4:30 pm and suddenly you feel a small breeze and slowly a thought comes. “Wind! Lend me your strength” you think and then the wind suddenly rises. “Isn’t it oddly terrific?” you think to yourself. I have some power inside me. That’s true either way but you still don’t know in a case like this.

You feel cut off yet you walk, talk and feel “normally” alongside the other beings with the power to hide. Orthodox it is when those who are under the light are able to hide but the ones who are invisible find it hard at times to keep themselves invisible.

I find the need to see the frequent shake within my square of vision and search for a different direction, perhaps find deeper reasons for things too. Sometimes the reasoning makes me realize I’m so sober that I’m tremendously high.

That’s frightening sometimes.

It’s not until you’ve felt it that you realize how much your mind can transcend between seconds. You could even start to think that the numbers floating in the dark are real.

You’re trying hard but their idiocies are just too loud. To some extent there must be something in those particular triggers you pass by. It’s hard to murder your own emotions nowadays. I have tried though. You wanna give back the blood and toil but what do you do when your enemy are your own thoughts. But then again I’ll find a way since the amount of my brain that’s active seems to be more than 30%.

I swear I shall do something about my mind if it is the last thing I do. Fight through and stop these unknown sparks from becoming the rage that just annoys.

Voices

I see them. They are actually everywhere but then they are not. I can feel them whispering from the inner shadows.

They speak to me in my sleep. They tell me things that I want to know, and sometimes things that I don’t.

They talk. They emphasize. They quarrel.They are the voices that decide right from wrong……..but there are none.

 

“They think you’re useless?”

“Yes he should.”

“You want to take that?”

“No he shouldn’t.”

“I’ll tell you what you should do………….Kill them! Kill them all!”

You suddenly even clench your fists because of the seizures. Seemingly random but not without cause. They are telling you their own motives.

Sometimes they even tell you to pick up a bat and hit your closest friend.

I tell you, the voices can be random themselves hence it’s completely them when you think about it.

Sometimes you are leaning forward on a balcony and they tell you “Jump!”

They think they are very helpful. To some their words are the sweet plague while to others they are your imaginary friends who you talk to in between moments.

I shall tell you, that they are watching you right now.

They are suddenly going to come

……………..

and boom!! They hit you.

Just like the nicotin. In a minute you’re back.

But in the last minute you just went through something you cannot explain.

You see, they are watching you and waiting for the right time to pester you each time. They wait each time for the perfect moment to make you go “AAAAAHHHHH!”

They drain you very quietly, in exchange for thoughts.

Just like that.Literally. And quite suddenly.

They are the answer to your individuality. They inject the right words to let the reaction out. The one that you so hide. The one you exchange for the one you show.

But among all these voices is the voice that calms you down and the voice that tells you not to listen to the others. The clarity. The shield to the insanity.

She tells you “Stop and start thinking now.”

“You love me right?”

“Yes I do.”

Finally you have the voice that matters. Your own.

Her’s matters too though and she’s telling me to stop now and I have to listen. That’s my voice saying.

 

Plain Reality

Emptiness. A blank mind wandering from dusk till dawn while driving out emotions. Emotion bearing hunger, hundreds of thousands of declining thoughts.

“I don’t know”

“Why don’t I know?”

“I wish to know! I want to find myself”

The future of that person starts now, with the dry feeling in his throat.  The thought is the start and with that begins every other emotional situation.

“And I still do not know”

Perhaps the endless emotion situation is lucky to be there, it helps me know something at least. Or else I would know nothing.

It is this situation that teaches me sadness, it teaches us fear. The fear of losing someone else.

Destruction is so creative, it calms us before bringing the storm. Makes us numb enough so the drug finds it easier.

The tension makes me feel heavy, makes me want to eat, sleep………. and sometimes smoke.

I do not like the feeling, it makes me vulnerable. It makes me weak and leaves me lesser than myself.

The emptiness leaves the mind so closed that sometimes one wishes he could go to sleep and wake up in another life.

The idiocy boosts the adrenaline and increases the pressure on the brain. The pulse increases, hope decreases.

“Kill me now. Someone, please.”

I am not going to cry, fall into the void of emotions. Sometimes emptiness actually helps. The pain of the calm is better than that of the mental degradation.

Sharing it makes it even more remarkable at times, you just don’t know what to say and how to say it sometimes. It’s basically place you can’t describe, one of those ultimate things you can’t fully describe. Others have to experience by themselves. And it doesn’t help at all, you’re just telling someone “hey so this is me right now, and that’s how it is with me like most of the time” and he’s like “Oh yeah uh huh uh huh.”

It happens again though and they are there but it doesn’t really make it easier. Thoughts themselves are a bloody paradox. Emptiness helps hence but like everything, it’s torture is just less painful.

Those Moments

You know that moment when you want to say something but you can’t really say it?

No I am not talking about when you’re in front of Irina Shayk.

Seriously. It’s just those moments, when you want to feel and express something but you are just unable to. It isn’t that you’re incapable of it but unable to for a particular time during that particular moment.

vintage-man-confused

Like for example you also suddenly see that your jokes fail and you end up saying something weird. People say “He’s like that” but it’s not the case. You know it and even know it that “Boy he is funny. What in heavens name happens to him sometimes.”. Well as a normal person you’d try to let it pass, forget the embarrassment, and try not to relive it another day. Though the comedian would either make a comeback joke or talk about the incident another day. Express the truth that “My jokes cheat on me sometimes. Very unfaithful they are when they see a funnier looking guy nearby. I feel so helpless when that happens, I mean there’s no procedure for working out when it comes to your funniness. Like if there were, a comedian would really be licensed to kill. There would be a James Bond of comedy. Let’s not go into how Blofeld died in this case.”

Isn’t it funny how this is supposed to be a tragic topic?

All that aside, there is an emptiness that we feel sometimes. There are those extraordinary moments when your brain simply refuses to give you correct output. Thank goodness the brain doesn’t completely stop or else I wouldn’t be telling you about it. One of those moments basically when your brain decides to tell you “I’m the shizz k bro. Without the shizz you can’t be the shizz.”

Hence “Relationship status: It’s Complicated”.

That’s the weird paradox. We can think, our thoughts seem fine and smart but somewhere you know you ain’t doing it right, like something’s missing. That otherwise flow or level of thought has gone on holiday. You hate it when it does that without proper permission. At the end you suffer because of it. It leaves a dent in your social status every time.

There……I feel it now……again! Yep!

Ladies and gentlemen I give you: Writer’s Block!

What if

What if what is right is actually wrong and what is beyond wrong is actually right?

What if what is, is not it and when we die we wake up? Yes! What if what we see and feel right now is just an illusion, an illusion which keeps us from seeing the truth as it is. What if all the flash of colours, the innumerable rainbows, even those sudden matching t-shirts. All of them, what if one day when you close your eyes and stop, suddenly you open them and see that what was wasn’t anything and what is, is something that would make you feel shocked or in other words complicated. That’s just the subtle way of putting it.

But….but but let us say this world, this truth or let’s just say “this figment of imagination which we right now cannot imagine which also can deny most if not all of what already exists, is a happy one.”

Now you might be wondering that what am I saying? Now what if what we’re saying right now, what we’re thinking or going to think is just part of a program that keeps us going in this particular sequence. This particular order of events, all the numerous possibilities which our steps can result to as well as all the steps that are possible then become fixed.

That moment when you realize that they keep on coming, the innumerable thoughts, is the moment you begin to question the concept of right and wrong. Random thoughts, specific thoughts, implicated thoughts, obvious thoughts,swaying thoughts. Thoughts, thoughts and thoughts. These thoughts are that which make you think of a question and what makes you think of which question to think about.

That’s exactly how you question “what if” regarding anything and everything that happened and is going to happen.

So what if all of this is all false? The truth is not the truth. The lie is something apart from a lie. What if what a lie means isn’t what it actually means?

What if….