Me: ……Why am I so?
Voice: Maybe because you want it to be so…
Me: …….Why am I so alone? I need someone.
Voice: Are you going to do this every time?
I don’t care! I miss someone. Quite truly I don’t even know who I miss now. Is it that girl who wrecked me? Is it my first ever crush? Is it the one who rejected me last Wednesday? Or is it just the thought of other people having someone really special while I don’t.
Honestly I don’t know.
Trust me. I do want to know. I want to know what it feels like to feel that poison on purpose. No more can I handle the sudden pain that I myself call out from beneath the depths.
It’s a paradoxical bliss. A hypothetical malice created through years of inner suffering. I’ll tell you what this is. It’s a truth that dwells inside us no matter where we are, a somewhat drunk confession. We are alone and crumpled up. We have been pushed back into a corner and are still looking from corner to corner for that light. We will keep on doing that until we find the right path.
Love is so utterly tempting that even your neighbor’s love for her before anyone else makes you writhe with envy. Factual is this that a poor soul cannot survive without an ounce of emotional attention. Honestly the self of the confused mind really seems to preoccupy itself in ways that leaves the other parts completely bored.
I wish I had a better way to explain how much there are just parts of us which just want someone to accept us. Not attention but proper care.
Sometimes I wonder:
Should I change?
Or should I just wait, there will come an answer someday?
Anyways perhaps I think too much. Or I just feel much more. Well we all do and that’s the bloody excuse.
The fact is at one point we all just need someone to be there for us. You cannot exactly explain that relationship you suddenly want for times like those but it exists and it does matter. It has a name which cannot be explained, all I know that it’s not the mother I am talking about. It’s a person you need for just those moments in your life. If you have someone for all, he/she covers them too but if you don’t you sometimes just feel the need for a carer during those moments that break you and leave you wounded.
No matter where you are in life, that feeling is somewhat mutual. It’s just you cannot look for someone during that time. That’s somewhat of a problem but then also if you want that person to be a special someone. Happens when laying eyes on someone new. Sometimes even when you try to re-look at those of old. Their smiles and cheerful words suddenly show you something else.
The fights involved in the mutual understanding of this contradicting paradox. It kills but it somehow teaches more in return.