An Untitled Feeling

Me: ……Why am I so?

Voice: Maybe because you want it to be so…

Me: …….Why am I so alone? I need someone.

Voice: Are you going to do this every time?

I don’t care! I miss someone. Quite truly I don’t even know who I miss now. Is it that girl who wrecked me? Is it my first ever crush? Is it the one who rejected me last Wednesday? Or is it just the thought of other people having someone really special while I don’t.

Honestly I don’t know.

Trust me. I do want to know. I want to know what it feels like to feel that poison on purpose. No more can I handle the sudden pain that I myself call out from beneath the depths.

It’s a paradoxical bliss. A hypothetical malice created through years of inner suffering. I’ll tell you what this is. It’s a truth that dwells inside us no matter where we are, a somewhat drunk confession. We are alone and crumpled up. We have been pushed back into a corner and are still looking from corner to corner for that light. We will keep on doing that until we find the right path.

Love is so utterly tempting that even your neighbor’s love for her before anyone else makes you writhe with envy. Factual is this that a poor soul cannot survive without an ounce of emotional attention. Honestly the self of the confused mind really seems to preoccupy itself in ways that leaves the other parts completely bored.

I wish I had a better way to explain how much there are just parts of us which just want someone to accept us. Not attention but proper care.

Sometimes I wonder:

              Should I change?

    Or should I just wait, there will come an answer someday?

Anyways perhaps I think too much. Or I just feel much more. Well we all do and that’s the bloody excuse.
The fact is at one point we all just need someone to be there for us. You cannot exactly explain that relationship you suddenly want for times like those but it exists and it does matter. It has a name which cannot be explained, all I know that it’s not the mother I am talking about. It’s a person you need for just those moments in your life. If you have someone for all, he/she covers them too but if you don’t you sometimes just feel the need for a carer during those moments that break you and leave you wounded.

No matter where you are in life, that feeling is somewhat mutual. It’s just you cannot look for someone during that time. That’s somewhat of a problem but then also if you want that person to be a special someone. Happens when laying eyes on someone new. Sometimes even when you try to re-look at those of old. Their smiles and cheerful words suddenly show you something else.

The fights involved in the mutual understanding of this contradicting paradox. It kills but it somehow teaches more in return.

Advertisements

Plain Reality

Emptiness. A blank mind wandering from dusk till dawn while driving out emotions. Emotion bearing hunger, hundreds of thousands of declining thoughts.

“I don’t know”

“Why don’t I know?”

“I wish to know! I want to find myself”

The future of that person starts now, with the dry feeling in his throat.  The thought is the start and with that begins every other emotional situation.

“And I still do not know”

Perhaps the endless emotion situation is lucky to be there, it helps me know something at least. Or else I would know nothing.

It is this situation that teaches me sadness, it teaches us fear. The fear of losing someone else.

Destruction is so creative, it calms us before bringing the storm. Makes us numb enough so the drug finds it easier.

The tension makes me feel heavy, makes me want to eat, sleep………. and sometimes smoke.

I do not like the feeling, it makes me vulnerable. It makes me weak and leaves me lesser than myself.

The emptiness leaves the mind so closed that sometimes one wishes he could go to sleep and wake up in another life.

The idiocy boosts the adrenaline and increases the pressure on the brain. The pulse increases, hope decreases.

“Kill me now. Someone, please.”

I am not going to cry, fall into the void of emotions. Sometimes emptiness actually helps. The pain of the calm is better than that of the mental degradation.

Sharing it makes it even more remarkable at times, you just don’t know what to say and how to say it sometimes. It’s basically place you can’t describe, one of those ultimate things you can’t fully describe. Others have to experience by themselves. And it doesn’t help at all, you’re just telling someone “hey so this is me right now, and that’s how it is with me like most of the time” and he’s like “Oh yeah uh huh uh huh.”

It happens again though and they are there but it doesn’t really make it easier. Thoughts themselves are a bloody paradox. Emptiness helps hence but like everything, it’s torture is just less painful.

Those Moments

You know that moment when you want to say something but you can’t really say it?

No I am not talking about when you’re in front of Irina Shayk.

Seriously. It’s just those moments, when you want to feel and express something but you are just unable to. It isn’t that you’re incapable of it but unable to for a particular time during that particular moment.

vintage-man-confused

Like for example you also suddenly see that your jokes fail and you end up saying something weird. People say “He’s like that” but it’s not the case. You know it and even know it that “Boy he is funny. What in heavens name happens to him sometimes.”. Well as a normal person you’d try to let it pass, forget the embarrassment, and try not to relive it another day. Though the comedian would either make a comeback joke or talk about the incident another day. Express the truth that “My jokes cheat on me sometimes. Very unfaithful they are when they see a funnier looking guy nearby. I feel so helpless when that happens, I mean there’s no procedure for working out when it comes to your funniness. Like if there were, a comedian would really be licensed to kill. There would be a James Bond of comedy. Let’s not go into how Blofeld died in this case.”

Isn’t it funny how this is supposed to be a tragic topic?

All that aside, there is an emptiness that we feel sometimes. There are those extraordinary moments when your brain simply refuses to give you correct output. Thank goodness the brain doesn’t completely stop or else I wouldn’t be telling you about it. One of those moments basically when your brain decides to tell you “I’m the shizz k bro. Without the shizz you can’t be the shizz.”

Hence “Relationship status: It’s Complicated”.

That’s the weird paradox. We can think, our thoughts seem fine and smart but somewhere you know you ain’t doing it right, like something’s missing. That otherwise flow or level of thought has gone on holiday. You hate it when it does that without proper permission. At the end you suffer because of it. It leaves a dent in your social status every time.

There……I feel it now……again! Yep!

Ladies and gentlemen I give you: Writer’s Block!

The Twist of It

Life is like a headache. It’s immensely painful but with some aspirin you can be free of the unbearable feeling that it gives. In life one must find that aspirin and always keep it with oneself. But like every wise person, he must also try prevention first.

The crazy thing is you always need an antidote but you always know that prevention should be taken into account. Cough syrup is for the danger when it arrives but boosting one’s immunity by giving importance to the right sustenance is needed too.

The fact is that life is a paradox where nothing really makes sense which is the only thing that actually makes sense. Make sense?

All you need to go through life is to either not try to understand it and reason with it or try to fight back and control it.

However believe it or not the true answer is neither. The actual procedure is to let go and be unaffected.

If that’s not right then what has all those sayings regarding no one helping anyone but themselves and your biggest enemy is yourself taught you?

The idea is not to use the one that’s right, but the one that works.

The straight point is that life is twisted and you have to find a twist that works for you, which might be taking the twist with a straight face or straight on looking at the problem with a twisted smile.

That’s the twist of it.