An Untitled Feeling

Me: ……Why am I so?

Voice: Maybe because you want it to be so…

Me: …….Why am I so alone? I need someone.

Voice: Are you going to do this every time?

I don’t care! I miss someone. Quite truly I don’t even know who I miss now. Is it that girl who wrecked me? Is it my first ever crush? Is it the one who rejected me last Wednesday? Or is it just the thought of other people having someone really special while I don’t.

Honestly I don’t know.

Trust me. I do want to know. I want to know what it feels like to feel that poison on purpose. No more can I handle the sudden pain that I myself call out from beneath the depths.

It’s a paradoxical bliss. A hypothetical malice created through years of inner suffering. I’ll tell you what this is. It’s a truth that dwells inside us no matter where we are, a somewhat drunk confession. We are alone and crumpled up. We have been pushed back into a corner and are still looking from corner to corner for that light. We will keep on doing that until we find the right path.

Love is so utterly tempting that even your neighbor’s love for her before anyone else makes you writhe with envy. Factual is this that a poor soul cannot survive without an ounce of emotional attention. Honestly the self of the confused mind really seems to preoccupy itself in ways that leaves the other parts completely bored.

I wish I had a better way to explain how much there are just parts of us which just want someone to accept us. Not attention but proper care.

Sometimes I wonder:

              Should I change?

    Or should I just wait, there will come an answer someday?

Anyways perhaps I think too much. Or I just feel much more. Well we all do and that’s the bloody excuse.
The fact is at one point we all just need someone to be there for us. You cannot exactly explain that relationship you suddenly want for times like those but it exists and it does matter. It has a name which cannot be explained, all I know that it’s not the mother I am talking about. It’s a person you need for just those moments in your life. If you have someone for all, he/she covers them too but if you don’t you sometimes just feel the need for a carer during those moments that break you and leave you wounded.

No matter where you are in life, that feeling is somewhat mutual. It’s just you cannot look for someone during that time. That’s somewhat of a problem but then also if you want that person to be a special someone. Happens when laying eyes on someone new. Sometimes even when you try to re-look at those of old. Their smiles and cheerful words suddenly show you something else.

The fights involved in the mutual understanding of this contradicting paradox. It kills but it somehow teaches more in return.

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Plain Reality

Emptiness. A blank mind wandering from dusk till dawn while driving out emotions. Emotion bearing hunger, hundreds of thousands of declining thoughts.

“I don’t know”

“Why don’t I know?”

“I wish to know! I want to find myself”

The future of that person starts now, with the dry feeling in his throat.  The thought is the start and with that begins every other emotional situation.

“And I still do not know”

Perhaps the endless emotion situation is lucky to be there, it helps me know something at least. Or else I would know nothing.

It is this situation that teaches me sadness, it teaches us fear. The fear of losing someone else.

Destruction is so creative, it calms us before bringing the storm. Makes us numb enough so the drug finds it easier.

The tension makes me feel heavy, makes me want to eat, sleep………. and sometimes smoke.

I do not like the feeling, it makes me vulnerable. It makes me weak and leaves me lesser than myself.

The emptiness leaves the mind so closed that sometimes one wishes he could go to sleep and wake up in another life.

The idiocy boosts the adrenaline and increases the pressure on the brain. The pulse increases, hope decreases.

“Kill me now. Someone, please.”

I am not going to cry, fall into the void of emotions. Sometimes emptiness actually helps. The pain of the calm is better than that of the mental degradation.

Sharing it makes it even more remarkable at times, you just don’t know what to say and how to say it sometimes. It’s basically place you can’t describe, one of those ultimate things you can’t fully describe. Others have to experience by themselves. And it doesn’t help at all, you’re just telling someone “hey so this is me right now, and that’s how it is with me like most of the time” and he’s like “Oh yeah uh huh uh huh.”

It happens again though and they are there but it doesn’t really make it easier. Thoughts themselves are a bloody paradox. Emptiness helps hence but like everything, it’s torture is just less painful.

On the Edge

Life, a fact worth discussion. So fast, it doesn’t even break a sweat. Doesn’t even glance at us to look at what we are feeling. Are we even worth it then? Do we even matter?

It clearly doesn’t even want to look at what we feel. We seem like grass left to just wither away. Why should we have to face such agony and unimportance from ourselves.

Have you ever wondered about how unfair it is that the so called person up there can give you nice apples this minute and next minute when you take a bite it tastes inexplicably sour?

Isn’t that example funny? It just makes you realize you cannot even control the fruit you yourself grow.

He: What if when you give yourself away to me?

And then you realize the contradiction.

However do you really think then we are at fault?

“No! It’s not” I say. “It’s not your fault. Don’t think that it is. I’ll slap you if you think that.”

It’s the fault of situation. It’s led by causality, a causality that is seemingly sudden but has stray links.

You start feeling angry at first, then the calm gradually floods out.

The lack of control ravages many leading them to a state of bitter calmness.

The calmness learns pass and bring a blue sky.

I continue in search for a way to refrain it from getting darker again.

We’re just always on the edge aren’t we?

Trying to keep on letting it pass.

 

 

This is Goodbye

The feeling
of withering away
like a helpless flower
sitting in a dark corner on the edge
Am I truly gonna go back there?
Is this really the end of my beginning?
Tears make no difference
I have to leave
I am not strong enough
I have failed them
I am so not tough

No I refuse to believe
but deep inside I don’t want to suffer
There are many who I am going to leave
I will miss them so much
I am only kidding myself
The idiots will never forgive me
They will drag me back again
Am I being heartless towards them?
They are going to punish me real bad
after they bring me back
However I wish I could’ve done more
From everything that’s raged, I feel so sore
I’m slowly losing my will
my consciousness is fading
No!! I must get up
I can’t lose hope

I spit out my negativity
Is this really the color
that marks my end
Red!!
The color  of the necklace she wore
If I could but see her face once more
But I can’t let her see me like this
There are some things she has to miss
(sniggers) They are all idiots
but I guess so am I
(sighh) I guess this is Goodbye

Love’s last letter

 

Dear love of my life,

You know you’re too important to me. You always have. You always will be. You refuse to answer as it’s the polite fashion. The safe way. “It’s ok”

The sound of your silence is better than that of your “No”. Perhaps that would hit ten times as much.

However I miss the frequent awkwardness that I caused. Your occasional bloom, and especially those white shiny teeth. Those occasional free periods alone with you was bliss. Aiming to get you to not say “I’m bored” was like attempting to answer a chemistry question correctly without having studied. I hadn’t. The constant exercise I got when getting your troubles to go away. Those phone calls too.

I know even you cherish some of them, especially getting ice cream while angering my wallet.

But now as 10 years have gone by and you’re sitting with your little darling Emma, I lie under a grave waiting to meet you next time,

and tell you in a different way that

“I really want it to last longer.”

Your’s Lovingly

A loving soldier

 

 

Tears from the Heart

Tears are like drops of water from the ocean

They look so tender and weak

But each contain such strength when in motion

From every corner of the eyes do they leak

Happiness and Sadness are but words to them

Pathways between feelings when we tread upon

Yet we get to know the difference

It always goes by our preference

They make us wonder what they seek

From every edge to every peak

When they flow, its a sign of pain

Our eyes start to glow, for nothing did remain

The feelings start to rush out

Following which the heart gives a shout

But on the other hand

There is another who is the same

He doesn’t demand

And does by another name

 

The Heart is not a toy

It holds all the senseless joy

Yet it also holds all the sadness

It’s tantrums can drive you to madness

The Heart contains the love

Which is the selfless right to give

It is a gift from the person living above

So we may very rarely receive

The Heart doesn’t only wander, it also does wonder

It also has another task, that is to ponder

On things which are left to say

But how, it tries to find a way

Even after that, it tries to replace

Because it still doesn’t fill the empty space

The Heart is the creator of the endless sea of feelings

The tears are the deliverers, but none are worth only ten shillings

But this is only but the start

These are the Tears from the Heart