Depth of my feelings IV

As I sat meddling away, I turned to see her looking beyond. I touched her hair as she replied with the smile that hadn’t seen since we both said our vows. I patted her head while I tilted mine and looked at her while she eyed me all confused.
“You okay?” She said.
The conscience broke for a minute and I just kept smiling. I wanted to but I could not say it. My words fell from eyes and like a reflex she wrapped herself around me. She’d always been so tender with her misgivings. The lifelong rupture in my heart had suddenly started mending itself.
The vendetta within oneself turned from grief to sweet sorrow. A loving kiss was placed on my cheek. A soft hand was placed on the other. This time she tilted her head and just smiled.
That one minute that would never end
As I sat meddling away, I turned to see her looking beyond. I touched her hair as she replied with the smile that hadnt seen since we both said our vows. I patted her head while I tilted mine and looked at her while she eyed me all confused.
“You okay?” She asked.
The conscience broke for a minute and I just kept smiling. I wanted to but I could not say it. My words fell from eyes and like a reflex she wrapped herself around me. She’d always been so tender with her misgivings. The lifelong rupture in my heart had suddenly started mending itself.
The vendetta within oneself turned from grief to sweet sorrow. A loving kiss was placed on my cheek. A soft hand was placed on the other. This time she tilted her head and just smiled.
That one minute that would never end
As she sat on my lap that night, I faced her with all my disarray. I meant for her to feel her intrusion in me. She didnt. She carried forward her own disarray as she took the first step. We fell. We rejoiced in each other’s bends and curves. Her’s overwhelmed me as I touched her. She felt me heavy but I couldn’t resist the wake of her savage ways. I felt the words in my eyes once again but this time put them to mouth.
“I’m dying”
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Too Complicated

I miss you. I don’t know why. You were just a passing perfume. You didn’t feel like it was meant to be. Even I, a travelling buyer never had the direct interest at first. It slowly came as I saw a specialty that was quite intriguing.

If that is how simple it was why do I crave only your fragrance? I tend to look at every other around me every day, gain and lose interests for them. Yet even while enjoying them it is you that I try to find. Comparison develops before I even think of it. You continue to be a chief basis.

“You think I am drunk?”

Well my heart is, I am completely sober.

I keep on moving forward every single day, my heart however wanders in all directions and then leads itself through the maze to you.

You keep being a light shining it’s light on me even in the darkness.

“Where are you?” I ask myself stopping in between the crowd.

“Where am I?”

I seem to have an insane addiction when thinking about you, going on and on and on. A brainless pleasure for piercing myself real smoothly.

I swear! Where in heavens do you get the indirect strength to haunt me and where do I intake the drug that keeps you inside me.

“What is it I wonder. I would having that from tomorrow if I knew”

You give me a confusion that transcends through oceans but that aims to reach you at some point without prediction.

“Why do you……well you know?” they ask me.

Others say I’m obsessed. Well let me clarify right now.

“I’m complicated.”

Perhaps it was your slender figure, your warmth perhaps too depth defying or maybe it was your straight hair. Perhaps it tickled more than just my nose, sent a part of you deep inside while it was at it.

Or or or I know it must have been your face, too sweet for comfort. Must have been those eyes too. I am so casting a contradicting curse on the person that made you right now.

Look at me, flirting on a piece of paper. Confusion at it’s best.

This is so complicated. I am so so complicated.

You are a well I want to escape but I wish for you to give me water at least thrice a week.

I need to fill the void. I need a new fragrance. I yearn for one every minute.

“But I so wish you were the new one.”

“Again!”

“Why?” Even I ask myself. “WHY?? Tell me!”

(A drop)

“Even I’m trying to understand” said the heart.

 

Fight Song- Let’s Win

There are those times, we all know them and some of us still know what they are like. A shout out to all of you guys, don’t worry because I am like you too. I know that particular statement isn’t great motivation but I still said it.

Now let’s talk about why I suddenly went Dalai llama (in case you thought that was too great an example you are very right, please treat yourself a chocolate).

As I said I am like all those people. I struggle everyday. I have to fight every single minute of the way. Against strangers, against enemies and even against those who love me. I get about a hundred wounds everyday, because of certain things I want from myself and because of things I want from others.

Frustrating fact: In between every wound I ponder and inflict two or three more wounds on myself because I got those wounds. It all gets deeper.

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Life is like nicotine, it’ll kill you and in exchange you get those moments to be high.

Every one of us has many dreams we would kill to fulfill and while we shed every drop of blood stepping on each thorn everyday, you also lose something else with each drop, hope. A small bit each time.

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You can scream. You cry, drink, smoke and some of may even resort to turning your back. I tell you, you don’t need to because of that no matter how painful it is. And trust me I know what it feels like to be awake at 3 a.m. shedding tears while having a heavy head wondering what I did to deserve to make the wrong decision every single time. I know what it means to me when I see another person being good at something while I’m still ……well struggling.

Don’t make the world get to you. In the end all of us are small boats but we can stand bigger than big waves. Each of us needs to realize it, we all can take all the wrecking balls thrown at us and push them back. You just need to believe. Turn that power back on my friend.

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Yeah I believe. No one else is going to for me.

We all have to be strong, keep the fire burning no matter what.

Personal advice: Keep making yourself hear that inner voice that is able to push you.

Every stupid fall I make, let them see

But I will be where I want to be

And smiling at what I see

This is my fight song. This is my right song.

Note: There are only a few singers and especially songs I listen to. Hence it’s a single song always on a loop. However after Let it Be, this is the second song that has ever ever hit me. So like Let it Be I got motivated enough to write about it. I heard your voice, Rachel 🙂 and am planning to create an explosion. 

Link:- Fight Song

 

Plain Reality

Emptiness. A blank mind wandering from dusk till dawn while driving out emotions. Emotion bearing hunger, hundreds of thousands of declining thoughts.

“I don’t know”

“Why don’t I know?”

“I wish to know! I want to find myself”

The future of that person starts now, with the dry feeling in his throat.  The thought is the start and with that begins every other emotional situation.

“And I still do not know”

Perhaps the endless emotion situation is lucky to be there, it helps me know something at least. Or else I would know nothing.

It is this situation that teaches me sadness, it teaches us fear. The fear of losing someone else.

Destruction is so creative, it calms us before bringing the storm. Makes us numb enough so the drug finds it easier.

The tension makes me feel heavy, makes me want to eat, sleep………. and sometimes smoke.

I do not like the feeling, it makes me vulnerable. It makes me weak and leaves me lesser than myself.

The emptiness leaves the mind so closed that sometimes one wishes he could go to sleep and wake up in another life.

The idiocy boosts the adrenaline and increases the pressure on the brain. The pulse increases, hope decreases.

“Kill me now. Someone, please.”

I am not going to cry, fall into the void of emotions. Sometimes emptiness actually helps. The pain of the calm is better than that of the mental degradation.

Sharing it makes it even more remarkable at times, you just don’t know what to say and how to say it sometimes. It’s basically place you can’t describe, one of those ultimate things you can’t fully describe. Others have to experience by themselves. And it doesn’t help at all, you’re just telling someone “hey so this is me right now, and that’s how it is with me like most of the time” and he’s like “Oh yeah uh huh uh huh.”

It happens again though and they are there but it doesn’t really make it easier. Thoughts themselves are a bloody paradox. Emptiness helps hence but like everything, it’s torture is just less painful.

On the Edge

Life, a fact worth discussion. So fast, it doesn’t even break a sweat. Doesn’t even glance at us to look at what we are feeling. Are we even worth it then? Do we even matter?

It clearly doesn’t even want to look at what we feel. We seem like grass left to just wither away. Why should we have to face such agony and unimportance from ourselves.

Have you ever wondered about how unfair it is that the so called person up there can give you nice apples this minute and next minute when you take a bite it tastes inexplicably sour?

Isn’t that example funny? It just makes you realize you cannot even control the fruit you yourself grow.

He: What if when you give yourself away to me?

And then you realize the contradiction.

However do you really think then we are at fault?

“No! It’s not” I say. “It’s not your fault. Don’t think that it is. I’ll slap you if you think that.”

It’s the fault of situation. It’s led by causality, a causality that is seemingly sudden but has stray links.

You start feeling angry at first, then the calm gradually floods out.

The lack of control ravages many leading them to a state of bitter calmness.

The calmness learns pass and bring a blue sky.

I continue in search for a way to refrain it from getting darker again.

We’re just always on the edge aren’t we?

Trying to keep on letting it pass.

 

 

This is Goodbye

The feeling
of withering away
like a helpless flower
sitting in a dark corner on the edge
Am I truly gonna go back there?
Is this really the end of my beginning?
Tears make no difference
I have to leave
I am not strong enough
I have failed them
I am so not tough

No I refuse to believe
but deep inside I don’t want to suffer
There are many who I am going to leave
I will miss them so much
I am only kidding myself
The idiots will never forgive me
They will drag me back again
Am I being heartless towards them?
They are going to punish me real bad
after they bring me back
However I wish I could’ve done more
From everything that’s raged, I feel so sore
I’m slowly losing my will
my consciousness is fading
No!! I must get up
I can’t lose hope

I spit out my negativity
Is this really the color
that marks my end
Red!!
The color  of the necklace she wore
If I could but see her face once more
But I can’t let her see me like this
There are some things she has to miss
(sniggers) They are all idiots
but I guess so am I
(sighh) I guess this is Goodbye

Let it Be: A Tribute

This is something I wrote after some good coffee and a cover of the song. Want to dedicate this to Paul and angela vasquez who sang his song so well

Why do we try?

Why do we even cry?

When there’s no end….no help

The fact that it goes on and on without stop

The little boy needs help

But there is none

Let suffering go to everyone

 

Situation is out of control

He takes a knife

So he can say bye to the endless strife

He is going to take the painful stroll

Towards painlessness

He wants to imagine an end

But he treads towards a place where there is no imagination

He wants to take a long sleep

So that never again he has to weep

The endless cries, from a distance the reaper sees

Time to enter the void

He’s waiting with a smile

 

“When the broken hearted people living in the world agree”

There will be an answer, “You shall be free”

“Though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see”

There will be hope, believe, “let it be”

 

As the he turned in question

The heart now did see.

With tears he saw, it was she

 

In his hour of darkness she’s standing right in front of him

Telling him everything wasn’t so dim

“Speaking words of wisdom. Let it be”

After a long time, the truth he did see

 

Now with his smile he faces the darkness

“When the night is clouded there is still a light that shines on me”

He takes a step, puts his arms around the shadow

With love, “It’s okay now, let it be”