Depth of my feelings – II

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The lights were dimming fast, thoughts perishing as they went. A meticulous merry mark of mischievous matrimony

Scarred in places, reborn with paces

He touched her hands ever so slightly as she reflected on the riches of her guilty pleasures. 

Once deflected of the most unclear joys he perched his sorrows on ulterior grounds.

Searching in the brisk moonlight, putting out his hand in the scorching moonlight

Unearthly forgetfulness centered around one such dissonance

Truth be told, it never went so far but ever so further

Crossing oceans of agonizing happiness he pulled her close and dipped inside her inner sanctum

Marching past disbelief, he somehow felt at home

Upper and lower, near and far. I saw but a raging fire trapped inside a little jar.

I crept ever so gently across the promised lands

I received solace as I felt her’s in my hands

She smiled ever so calmly while she cried a raging river

The sorry little poster child finally reached under my skin

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                    The Lone Star Statuette

 

As she stood a step in the distance

I was a lifetime apart but yet so close

A satisfaction towards the corner of her smile

Merry times led to a withering flower

With petals that curled in over it’s beautiful veins of insecurity

Watching loudly, controlling the fear on her reins in obscurity

Cast away in dimensions, treading on varied simplicity

A tear flowed in silence, the smile blew away a thousand hearts

The red lineage of her bitter monuments, I stared into her servitude

A mellow piece of my ecstasy beneath the west wind raindrops

The veins cried out a whisper that reached deep within my malt-ish vine

Scurried into my Neverland she bit through a thousand pasts

The touch she pushed inside worrying inches of my light heartbeats

Swollen and sorry as I looked past her colorful cries

Heaped and dark, rash and definitely not mine to wonder

I got up as I swam past her Spaniards, reached the dusked up destination

I took a roundabout across memories of sadness, a left took me to another zone

Lost I got as I slipped into a trance, her embrace made me feel at home

 

Slim was her sensibility, sweetly swollen was her hair

Messed in senses, a Evangeline structure ripped bare

The crimson serenity stripped to no amends

Her fair complexion bewitched past a thousand stares

Courageous yet cautious I entered into the solemn seduction

A raw merriment so pure, the crisps of the sides prismed sore

Queried past self-psychosis, as she continued her invasion

Days passed by in an universe that intersected in collision

I felt her scent as I outran her inner melancholy

I carried fast while I pictured her bliss, insinuatingly jolly

In dominance I played to a river of her solitude

I confessed upon her inner angel, she broke fortitude

 

I looked into the soul of her inner, mesmerizing

I crept into her consciousness twice, thrice surprising

As she rejected all through her frequent rants

She self-seduced seduction in loud whispers

When she cried inside her inner sanctum

My hidden essence could hear her weep

With numerous bare heavens, she hid the burnt doorways

Clenching her body with certain joy, my thoughts felt like sto-waways

Writhing in a beckoning so high I took her close

Her slender arms and legs left me comatose

As I called to her shadows, the soft skin so brown and bright

I risked all and dipped into her, holding her insecurities very tight

A relationship set back in time, in a parallel existence

Wondering within waters of memory, a kiss that put the lights out

She dispelled into pestilence, scared me with masterful mania

Hid through every hasty handful, she played through the emotional field

Struck with darkened interference, I was licked by a foolish intolerance

I caressed her dry, treading into a torrid feeling which got to my sense

As I walked away from her brown eyes, I rode into a different sunset

Dressed her in silence, every time coming back to where we first met

 

 

 

 

 

 

KISS OF A LILAC

As she faded away in non-existence
A hug came to me in fantasy
Few sparkles of ceremonious giggles
Lighting up chrysanthemum in a little glass

“You are among my cluster of thoughts”
In a garden of metered maleficence
A true embodiment of gifted lilac
Entrusted by the heart on it’s bloom

Impertinent and immoral, wasted by cruelty sweet
I took a quick glance before the eyes would meet
Proudly I dared look into her compressed mirror
Colors bounced between convex edges

Artful than the impression that Gogh did forget
Menacingly beautiful as she took the turn
A celibacy of uncountable dark attractions at that
A pact of resentful urgencies that cluelessly burn

Puppet intentions, I took a peel of what I could take
The soft edges of mysticism exchanged by a shake
As she curled into his pages, stinging with her straight hair so folly
Her eyes showed the way towards Eden, spreading enamour so jolly

“I love her like anything”, greeneries of thought
A penitent displeasure in the breath
It’s solemnly not a vague plethora
Of any melancholia given to perfection
Strings of euphony lusted in ceremony
Laughter of agony kissed through obscurity

He knew she violated second to none
The edged mistress etched into crimson
The shining black eyes of a liason
With a look that left all red in sensation

The stranger gave another smile
As she ravaged the heart of no return
Skillfully her slender nature took position
Moulding in between while she caressed away
She moved her penchant eyes and searched territory
A discovery properly dressed to be found
The lush hair that left you in dementia
Maroon-ed me ebony, circumstances stood still
Her inner skin touched till fury emerged pointless
Sin brightly crept from behind, curves on their faces
Cloaked in delight, aroused by the stir of salvation
Scared past her ambiguity, cursed by self-domination

As her dark effervescence brightened the path
The solemn moments took it’s first wrath
Supple merriment that passed completely bathed
As he moved through her neck, the sweet shrieks left him unscathed

The innocence that penetrated into the depths of cynicism
The satanic thirst of the angel so pure in contradiction
Descant followed her light feet, each step into melancholia
The lilac jested it’s fragrance, stamped me with her insignia

The Girl in Black and White

There stood the silent traveller

Her thoughts penitent, noisy and raw

As she ravaged into inner metamorphosis

Tens of thousands passed, only seeing her gnaw

As I breached past what seemed like another lonely encounter

There lay a pile of facts on which I started to ponder

Surrounded by baskets of thoughts inside a metered mind

With depth, leftly disillusioned while rightly picked

While the passing boy found joy in her dark brown eyes

I found solace in her inner mystique

Her black and white image said a thousand goodbyes

As her crimson aura piqued with every peek

Finally she was hit by my constant stare

With calm reciprocation, she gave a beastly glare

Solemn in her beauty, those lips whispered terror

Masked by innocence, her brows drew my error

I decided to take a step, a death crawl into her pantry

Am a stubborn martyr, I instantly marched into oblivion

Blinded by the beauty darker than her hair

Charmed by confusion, I sought to make an intrusion

Within moments I entered the ring of fire

As I melted, the confusion faded away

As I dove into the fiery depths, I did not tire

The newfound connection was here to stay

With every moment I chose to read her dry

An automated response to her being sly

The yin yang image held her in a frame

The desire, the terror was part of the game

 

The Evangeline Traveller

There she was in all her fury

Remarkable zest, eyes of obscurity

As they did the occasional down and up

All was noticed was a slender soul

But to me was someone who made me whole

Her curly hair lined its way into my heart

She had clowned them all from the start

As I touched the curly soul there writhed agony

As she menaced to sensation there stood testimony

The aphrodising hand that cried the river

The pheromonic angst that lit through the doorway

The rainbow in her presence whispered me a tale

Breaking a solemn purity, she put down the veil

Little did she know that there crept a shadow

There stood the demon holding the lantern

The sweet giggle pierced through mahogany

While the tongue in cheek softened up the story

Crimson and tantalized as she lay halfway across the bed

Her plain psychosis charmed a thousand loves never said

As she walked by my fence, I crept steady into her secret room

She wove her own Charlotte’s web, I spent time with a valuable cartoon

L’amour jested past a million curses, her purple aura did attain

In tender darkness sailing beyond, le désir dans ses veines

She is the graceful wind, ravaging past sensible mediocrity

An Evangeline traveller, she guided me through her mystical city

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Untitled Feeling

Me: ……Why am I so?

Voice: Maybe because you want it to be so…

Me: …….Why am I so alone? I need someone.

Voice: Are you going to do this every time?

I don’t care! I miss someone. Quite truly I don’t even know who I miss now. Is it that girl who wrecked me? Is it my first ever crush? Is it the one who rejected me last Wednesday? Or is it just the thought of other people having someone really special while I don’t.

Honestly I don’t know.

Trust me. I do want to know. I want to know what it feels like to feel that poison on purpose. No more can I handle the sudden pain that I myself call out from beneath the depths.

It’s a paradoxical bliss. A hypothetical malice created through years of inner suffering. I’ll tell you what this is. It’s a truth that dwells inside us no matter where we are, a somewhat drunk confession. We are alone and crumpled up. We have been pushed back into a corner and are still looking from corner to corner for that light. We will keep on doing that until we find the right path.

Love is so utterly tempting that even your neighbor’s love for her before anyone else makes you writhe with envy. Factual is this that a poor soul cannot survive without an ounce of emotional attention. Honestly the self of the confused mind really seems to preoccupy itself in ways that leaves the other parts completely bored.

I wish I had a better way to explain how much there are just parts of us which just want someone to accept us. Not attention but proper care.

Sometimes I wonder:

              Should I change?

    Or should I just wait, there will come an answer someday?

Anyways perhaps I think too much. Or I just feel much more. Well we all do and that’s the bloody excuse.
The fact is at one point we all just need someone to be there for us. You cannot exactly explain that relationship you suddenly want for times like those but it exists and it does matter. It has a name which cannot be explained, all I know that it’s not the mother I am talking about. It’s a person you need for just those moments in your life. If you have someone for all, he/she covers them too but if you don’t you sometimes just feel the need for a carer during those moments that break you and leave you wounded.

No matter where you are in life, that feeling is somewhat mutual. It’s just you cannot look for someone during that time. That’s somewhat of a problem but then also if you want that person to be a special someone. Happens when laying eyes on someone new. Sometimes even when you try to re-look at those of old. Their smiles and cheerful words suddenly show you something else.

The fights involved in the mutual understanding of this contradicting paradox. It kills but it somehow teaches more in return.

The Passing

I continued to tread through a dreadful mist of lies but suddenly I took a left turn and saw the truth before me. Surprisingly the truth was just that whenever I keep telling myself the same lie, it decides to show itself to me after an odd number of times. The lie was that I only thought of her in that way because she was the girl everyone want. The Prized One or the best possible thing that makes you class material if you get her. It’s good to lie to yourself, but it’s bad when you can’t shake the fact that it’s a lie when you’re saying it. The fact that I adore her and it’s actually not a crush but something way above in the food chain is questionable when you cannot fathom how or why it escalated so quickly.

Facing the fact, I wanted to speak but normally it’s hard enough truthfully, now I had to find the courage to move up and reason with it. Cutting on the metaphors, I’ll tell you that if there was any other moment which had been so educational, it would still be right after this one. This meeting was the silent pass by but the fact is the silence delivered quite an intensive speech.

She walked through the crowd while moving her hair with one hand and holding her phone in the other. It was a reminder that the situation didn’t look to have aged at all. Her eyes as beautiful as they were oblivious to my presence. She didn’t seemed to have aged at all, rather looked to have become younger. In a few seconds I became from aimless to analytical and that hurts.

How easy it was just crossing paths without even letting them collide is what you realize. However meanwhile everything isn’t looking so great on the inside. There is worry, anxiety and fear regarding what the person should do. Should he walk up and face his fear? What measures should he take? What is the bloody plan?

I wish I could say everybody’s right and I should perhaps either face her or face it. Well thing is I am moving on but cannot be rid of her. I have reached the new level where I have perhaps escaped her but she hasn’t yet escaped my mind. She keeps coming back, my mind keeps bringing her back at times. Well for one thing the constant wishes got me to see her live again however that birdwatching session showed me something new. The same thing but through the eyes of sensibility did I see it.

Now with that I am one step closer to ridding myself off self-torture. I would be lying if I say I didn’t feel like the world is stealing her away from me now that we don’t exist to each other, well at least me to her but then what can you do right? Everyone has to move on and it was now my turn to seriously do that, however at the same time I’ll keep some hope for the next nine years.

Too Complicated

I miss you. I don’t know why. You were just a passing perfume. You didn’t feel like it was meant to be. Even I, a travelling buyer never had the direct interest at first. It slowly came as I saw a specialty that was quite intriguing.

If that is how simple it was why do I crave only your fragrance? I tend to look at every other around me every day, gain and lose interests for them. Yet even while enjoying them it is you that I try to find. Comparison develops before I even think of it. You continue to be a chief basis.

“You think I am drunk?”

Well my heart is, I am completely sober.

I keep on moving forward every single day, my heart however wanders in all directions and then leads itself through the maze to you.

You keep being a light shining it’s light on me even in the darkness.

“Where are you?” I ask myself stopping in between the crowd.

“Where am I?”

I seem to have an insane addiction when thinking about you, going on and on and on. A brainless pleasure for piercing myself real smoothly.

I swear! Where in heavens do you get the indirect strength to haunt me and where do I intake the drug that keeps you inside me.

“What is it I wonder. I would having that from tomorrow if I knew”

You give me a confusion that transcends through oceans but that aims to reach you at some point without prediction.

“Why do you……well you know?” they ask me.

Others say I’m obsessed. Well let me clarify right now.

“I’m complicated.”

Perhaps it was your slender figure, your warmth perhaps too depth defying or maybe it was your straight hair. Perhaps it tickled more than just my nose, sent a part of you deep inside while it was at it.

Or or or I know it must have been your face, too sweet for comfort. Must have been those eyes too. I am so casting a contradicting curse on the person that made you right now.

Look at me, flirting on a piece of paper. Confusion at it’s best.

This is so complicated. I am so so complicated.

You are a well I want to escape but I wish for you to give me water at least thrice a week.

I need to fill the void. I need a new fragrance. I yearn for one every minute.

“But I so wish you were the new one.”

“Again!”

“Why?” Even I ask myself. “WHY?? Tell me!”

(A drop)

“Even I’m trying to understand” said the heart.

 

Voices

I see them. They are actually everywhere but then they are not. I can feel them whispering from the inner shadows.

They speak to me in my sleep. They tell me things that I want to know, and sometimes things that I don’t.

They talk. They emphasize. They quarrel.They are the voices that decide right from wrong……..but there are none.

 

“They think you’re useless?”

“Yes he should.”

“You want to take that?”

“No he shouldn’t.”

“I’ll tell you what you should do………….Kill them! Kill them all!”

You suddenly even clench your fists because of the seizures. Seemingly random but not without cause. They are telling you their own motives.

Sometimes they even tell you to pick up a bat and hit your closest friend.

I tell you, the voices can be random themselves hence it’s completely them when you think about it.

Sometimes you are leaning forward on a balcony and they tell you “Jump!”

They think they are very helpful. To some their words are the sweet plague while to others they are your imaginary friends who you talk to in between moments.

I shall tell you, that they are watching you right now.

They are suddenly going to come

……………..

and boom!! They hit you.

Just like the nicotin. In a minute you’re back.

But in the last minute you just went through something you cannot explain.

You see, they are watching you and waiting for the right time to pester you each time. They wait each time for the perfect moment to make you go “AAAAAHHHHH!”

They drain you very quietly, in exchange for thoughts.

Just like that.Literally. And quite suddenly.

They are the answer to your individuality. They inject the right words to let the reaction out. The one that you so hide. The one you exchange for the one you show.

But among all these voices is the voice that calms you down and the voice that tells you not to listen to the others. The clarity. The shield to the insanity.

She tells you “Stop and start thinking now.”

“You love me right?”

“Yes I do.”

Finally you have the voice that matters. Your own.

Her’s matters too though and she’s telling me to stop now and I have to listen. That’s my voice saying.

 

 Love is Simply Complicated

 

Our world is filled with complications from so many angles. We just don’t know what to do with the situation. One such complication is the concept of love.

Okay so here it comes, the brilliant situation formed by the imagination when there is a temptation giving rise to certain motivation. However sometimes there’s a degradation in the heart’s condition because of the unrequited infatuation giving rise to depression.

That, my friends is love in a matter of words. However the fact is it obviously doesn’t end there.

love2

Quite frankly the words themselves strike either an “Awwww” or a “I’m really sorry but we’re just friends” depending on whether you’re that girl or not. I mean if she’s thinking that he’s not thinking of her, she feels it safe to go “Awww sooo sweet!”

It’s either that or if she feels the same, and has been hiding it so perfectly. Like you won’t believe how much she deserves a Golden Globe right now.

Well when that happens, my friend please don’t forget to treat everyone as well as the girl too (later when you’re both alone) to some pizza and cupcakes cause you just won something great, love of the person you care the most about.

It’s like whatever it is you did, whether it was the most romantic proposal ever for example let’s say you decided to sing her favourite song on her birthday and then unravel a cake which says those three words. Either that or let’s say you’ve gone extreme and proved to her how much she means to you. No matter how dreadfully painful that might have been to whichever parts of your body. Basically the hospital is happy.

 

Wasn’t that just the sweetest thing you ever heard?

Like butterflies in spring with fresh air touching your skin right?

Well romance is just that, a whole endless bottleful of words and gestures which converges the lives of two people and gives the others around them a classic case of diabetes.

The way he says it and the way she reacts gives that feeling, that feeling that there is so much passion, so much closeness and so much intimacy that they were “meant for each other”.

breakup

Yup! Breakup. A bloody breakup. Just when you thought it was really getting good and was gonna keep on going and will keep bringing more and more sweetness. It was going to bear great fruit…..literally. Bring more interesting adventures for them and they’d learn more together. You were just about to lock them in a room and lock the key and then throw the key into the sea when suddenly said “No need bruh”.

Then as both of them are “moving on”, one of them meets someone else after let’s say two months or two weeks if he/she has speed racer quality pitching skills.

Then the situation happens all over again. The beautiful situation based on similar imagination. Birds are singing.

Then it ends and I look up and am like “Why? Why? What do you have against my dreams man?”

Given time it happens again and you realize that there’s no end and that there’s really nothing called “true love”. It’s just present satisfaction and based on present individualities. People change along with their thought processes.

That idiot who was complimenting Jane’s lovely eyes and soft lips is doing the same with Jennifer’s. It doesn’t stay cent percent original as it’s a bit different now.

You can’t blame anyone or anything cause well everyone does it. Love isn’t everlasting anymore and hence “true” as you don’t have that “one special person” necessarily. I mean now life gives you special offer and sometimes gives you five. For those extraordinary people life gives somewhere between nineteen and twenty seven.

Love has become vastly momentary and basically complex for my understanding. However the concept of this is very simple.

Hence love is simply complicated.