Life is basically like an episode of friends. Hard and unfortunate but weird and fun at the same time.
I continued to tread through a dreadful mist of lies but suddenly I took a left turn and saw the truth before me. Surprisingly the truth was just that whenever I keep telling myself the same lie, it decides to show itself to me after an odd number of times. The lie was that I only thought of her in that way because she was the girl everyone want. The Prized One or the best possible thing that makes you class material if you get her. It’s good to lie to yourself, but it’s bad when you can’t shake the fact that it’s a lie when you’re saying it. The fact that I adore her and it’s actually not a crush but something way above in the food chain is questionable when you cannot fathom how or why it escalated so quickly.
Facing the fact, I wanted to speak but normally it’s hard enough truthfully, now I had to find the courage to move up and reason with it. Cutting on the metaphors, I’ll tell you that if there was any other moment which had been so educational, it would still be right after this one. This meeting was the silent pass by but the fact is the silence delivered quite an intensive speech.
She walked through the crowd while moving her hair with one hand and holding her phone in the other. It was a reminder that the situation didn’t look to have aged at all. Her eyes as beautiful as they were oblivious to my presence. She didn’t seemed to have aged at all, rather looked to have become younger. In a few seconds I became from aimless to analytical and that hurts.
How easy it was just crossing paths without even letting them collide is what you realize. However meanwhile everything isn’t looking so great on the inside. There is worry, anxiety and fear regarding what the person should do. Should he walk up and face his fear? What measures should he take? What is the bloody plan?
I wish I could say everybody’s right and I should perhaps either face her or face it. Well thing is I am moving on but cannot be rid of her. I have reached the new level where I have perhaps escaped her but she hasn’t yet escaped my mind. She keeps coming back, my mind keeps bringing her back at times. Well for one thing the constant wishes got me to see her live again however that birdwatching session showed me something new. The same thing but through the eyes of sensibility did I see it.
Now with that I am one step closer to ridding myself off self-torture. I would be lying if I say I didn’t feel like the world is stealing her away from me now that we don’t exist to each other, well at least me to her but then what can you do right? Everyone has to move on and it was now my turn to seriously do that, however at the same time I’ll keep some hope for the next nine years.
Unless you’re messing up while saying it, you’re not in love. You can’t not be when butterflies are fluttering inside you.
Being able to talk about your problems makes you brave and an inspiration. Not being able to because you don’t want others to waste an hour of their life feeling them makes you a common human being.
Change is inevitable people say. I don’t know about being inevitable or not but all I know is that it is damn important. However some things don’t change, namely habits. Some habits, like not remembering to clip your toenails or do one’s bed only seem like they are here to stay but they actually do change at some point. There are however some that just don’t no matter how you try such as being good or better yet, kind hearted. Kindness is a very attracting quality and a kind hearted person is usually a person whose drive runs on simplicity. However if you take reality into account, it is also the reverse. Why would someone who takes another person’s interests into account before himself get back something completely opposite? Well that too was my question. Perhaps it’s a lesson that kindness should vary or maybe he needs to stop or just maybe it’s the world telling him he doesn’t know how to exactly be kind. Being kind sometimes seems to almost have written policies when it comes to it’s dealings. Saying that being kind is a curse is actually true because a person cannot ever fully stop being kind. Kindness does not just go away completely, it just goes and sleeps somewhere deep inside. Though perhaps I wish it were one of those habits which could be changed completely. Kindness has a recoil more painful than that of cruelty.
Love is therefore a state that is an ultimate bummer. Once we get into that state we don’t want to take the change at any cost. The heart is a child and it’s needs are always like those of a five year old. The straightforward demand isn’t thought well through, especially when it wants something positive.
True selflessness doesn’t make one a saint, it’s just saying that person wasn’t meant to put himself first. However that doesn’t mean he isn’t putting his thoughts first, or else what would you say is driving all that selflessness? Seeing someone else happy makes him happy, there’s no such thing as a truly selfless person. Even when you’re doing those cute kind acts behind her back, to some extent you really want her to someday find out or else there’s dramatic reaction. Sometimes it takes more than just noticing her every wish while other times it needs a few repetitions of one particular thing.
Out of habit there still isn’t one you could say. The craving for selflessly loving someone or seeing him/her always happy really kills. Almost like a drug. So addictive that no matter what no matter how much it pains, the care, the love doesn’t falter.
I wish the complexity would leave. Then maybe some of the pain, and confusion would go away but it’s developed that habit. Trying to hide isn’t working if nothing else. Being so kind is a gift which doesn’t give much to the self. No matter how you define kindness you got to get something positive back or the vortex will suck you in and keep you there until that person pulls you out.
Sometimes us kind people just want to be butterflies and flutter away and do whatever we want on our own and for only ourselves but we’re in a weird cocoon unable to grow out of it.
You know at times you’re sitting and eating your evening tea and you suddenly realize how weird the world actually is. I watch a lot of movies and will continue that until the day I die but now perhaps I am really beginning to realize that the old saying “What you see on television is not true.” that we’ve always heard from our parents which goes is actually true.
Think about it, every third movie you watch has scenes where a guy goes and approaches a girl with real ease and mostly escapes without a slap or the “turn down”. To be exact, the other day I was watching such a movie with a friend and I remember me asking him at one point “It seems so easy you know.” and he went “It’s only smooth on screen.”. He’s right because if we knew, mostly us guys sadly but in reality if we have even a speck of chance of being turned down we don’t take the step. That’s just how it is, it’s same whether you’re a guy or a girl, gay or straight. We’re afraid of either losing the person from our lives or losing our streak in never being turned down. If the movie route could be taken there would be a lesser number of “sweet talkers” without someone to hook up with every Tuesday. All of us successful talkers can’t take the “No”, basically.
Pickups aren’t the only ones, the similar courage and success when you’re in or you come across a tough spot which you can’t handle easily. That’s long form for “people who want to kick your ass”. If I could fool people and lessen the numbers with as simple as “Wait wait wait” to as complex as “Robby! It’s been so long! Remember the daily outings, you visiting me and me visiting you? Let me give you a hug, then maybe you’ll remember” and taking the chance to jab or turning his/her gun against him/her. The tv is basically saying “You have it in you. You don’t really need any training.” And I’m like “So you’re basically telling me that there is a semi bruce lee inside everyone.”.
Another particular one which is really what made me start talking about this in the first place is that sense of freedom you see in movies. You know that “nothing awkward about it” feeling when a new character suddenly pops up and enters the conversation without asking. I’d love to suddenly walk up to a friend and tell her “Listen I know how you feel but you need to really smile, not just smile. Those who really care about you would really want you to do that” because she definitely needs to know that. To be really honest, that thing just makes you jealous of a movie. A human being jealous of a visual for something can you believe it? I tell you, when you’re able to walk up to someone and tell him/her something based on what you noticed from their behavior in the last five minutes and it’s ok, then you know what proper freedom can be like. It also means that then the word “awkward” needn’t exist.
Basically what they tell you is what’s possible then it’s done. They’ve been doing that for decades. We can always try to impress a girl on the street or walk up and save her from a passing creep or comment on a conversation she’s having but that situation isn’t going to come every day. Unfortunately they aren’t always acceptable everywhere too. If they were, life would be so much easier and more fun. Sometimes this freedom just helps bring people closer easily.